The 13th Year Of My Brain Surgery

The 13^th Year of My Brain Surgery

Time flies, I will be celebrating the 13^th anniversary of my second chance at life this coming 20 November. It was on this day, thirteen years ago when I was wheeled into the operation theater for a brain surgery. Little did I know that the beast which had invaded my brain would leave a trail and would later redefine the course of my future.

It all began after I was diagnosed with brain tumour on 15 November 1998, I was only 32 then. The then MRI impression read as follows:

The meningioma measuring 5x5x5cm ,

mid sagittal vertex meningioma extending more to the left,

meningioma surrounding the superior sagittal sinus which appears to be patent.

Slight odema can be seen near the frontal lobe,

cortical veins were displaced by tumour,

superior sagittal sinus block by meningioma.

A brain surgery was carried out to resect the tumour four days after the diagnosis. Fortunately as massive as the tumour was, after an eight-hour delicate surgery I came out of the operation theater alive. (Not kicking though). However due to the size of the tumour, the neurosurgeon didn’t manage to get all of it. Post-surgery recovery took six months before I was fit again for work. Being a cooperative patient I went for annual brain scans on schedule despite my diligence the neurosurgeon detected a recurrence two years later. It was very close to the aorta thus precluded invasive surgery. In order to prevent further neurological damage I underwent stereostatic radio surgery to remove the recurrence.

Six months later on 1 June 2001 I experienced a grand mal seizure and then paralysis ensued. Expectation of an early recovery grew thin as days turn to weeks, weeks to months then months to years while my condition wasn’t getting any better. Naturally hope turned to despair at the same time fear and worry surfaced amidst denial and grief. Finally we came to a stage when we realized that there was nothing we could do to change the situation in a short term. The future of having to live with paralysis permanently looked gloomy at that time.

The onset of disability was a cruel blow to me. I suffered a sense of loss over the functional ability that the brain tumour has destroyed. Gone were the dreams of climbing up the corporate ladder, posh cars, lavish home and luxurious travels. My fear and worries that life would be painful or meaningless without mobility is beyond imagination. The fact that I treasured independence and freedom highly made the reality difficult to accept. The anguish was equivalent to those suffered by a marathon runner who fell down after finishing three quarter of the most important race of her life time. Suddenly happiness seemed beyond my reach.

Subsequently I became distant and non-committal with friends, ex-colleagues, it was impossible for me to find some sense of connection going at that time, our friendships sadly has been fading. Needless to mention my social circle had been diminishing since. Due to various reasons disability prevented me from attending any social gathering at all, unless the event was held in my home.

I began to regard myself as handicapped, not capable, not efficient, not useful, troublesome, always creating too much inconvenience for others and unaesthetic. This is true regardless of the fact I was around family members or friends. In the end the emotional stress just got the better of me and I shunned away from people whenever I could.

I have questioned thousands of times whether my disablement was a punishment from god for past sins. I did not possess the spiritual knowledge to view it as a test or an opportunity for spiritual and self development. Instead I believe in the purpose of living is to look for happiness. And the ingredients which made up happiness are health, family, friendship, career, achievements and hope. In the process of pursuing achievements survival and independence are prerequisites and disability has no place in between all these. It was so unfair for all it took was an illness to take these away from life and shortened the pursuit for happiness. My liberty was seriously hindered thus put life in continual jeopardy. I feared that happiness would leave me due to my disability.

The feeling of helplessness, fear, anxiety, agony and negative emotions while coping with reality made me weak at times even paralysed me. The fact that I become disabled because of a rare decease made the adjustment to daily basic needs more difficult.

In the early stages of disability, friends, relatives, myself included had hoped for my early recovery; recover so that I could go back to my previous healthy, energetic, confident and happy same Jackie again. Months turned into years, years into decades, we realized we were hoping against hopes. However hard it is we have to accept the cruel reality.

There were lots of up and downs in the past thirteen years. The relief after each recovery and the frustration after each fall. I fell many times, picked myself up as many times and cried even more. With each fall I became more determine and persistent in physical therapy. Now, I am able to look back to the last thirteen years with a victory smile, though I haven’t gain full mobility but I have survived the toughest part of the journey and managed to prevent further disability. Actually I am quite satisfied and proud with these small achievements.

Throughout these years I have learned to appreciate more, to count my blessings for the good things in life and never take things for granted however small or petty they might have appeared. Therefore I am grateful for:

1. 1.Waking up every morning.

2. 2. Having the ability to practice physical therapy.

3. 3.Having a healthy and strong mother.

4. 4.Having a very supportive family.

5. 5.Having supportive relatives and friends.

6. 6.Having food on the table.

7. 7.Having a roof above the head.

8. 8.Having the resources to use the internet.

9. 9.Jobs that came my way.

10.10. Possessing the ability to read.

11.11. Possessing the ability to hear.

12 12. Having the peace of mind. And

13.13. Having the ability to use my damaged brain.

For those who found yourselves disabled due to whatever reason, I have some precious lessons to share; Accepting the notion that nothing is permanent; One should never ever dwell in self pity when life dealt a cruel blow, after grief, denial, don not deny yourselves new lifestyles, start adapting to a totally new life; Despite some lost friendships there are still others who you can call friends and cherish; Try living healthily through having peace of mind, body and soul; The ability to forgive and forget without holding on to holding grudges or hatred can help in cultivating peace of mind; Do not let yourself idle, choose hobbies suitable for your ability such as keeping a pet, gardening, needling, reading, writing, physical therapy, playing computer games, watching television, listening to music, surfing the world wide web or anything that you would find therapeutic; It is very important to be patient; Taking very good care of yourself, don’t let others worry about you, this way you will also be doing something for the society; After all you are responsible for your own life and the priority should be to find serenity and happiness.